some easter pics from saturday

in color

my sister liked the ones in color better so here they are :) also im including the picture of my beautiful purple tulips!

figuring out my manual settings

these turned out pretty good i think. of course i still have a long way to go.

some pictures from today

some thoughts

before i had Jordan i was much different. i was rude crude and in your face. i cussed like a sailor and told jokes that even a whore wouldn't repeat. when i was angry i would turn on slipknot or system of a down or even fear factory and scream along with them. when i was scared or depressed i would play some old Manson and cry until it was all out. if i was happy then i would listen to soul music until i felt washed clean. i knew how to make fun of myself and how to make others laugh. i enjoyed my friends and had a good time whenever i could. i would take a spontaneous trip 3 hours away just for the hell of it. for some reason Jordan changed all that. looking back, the old me was colorful and vibrant while i have been shades of grey. Ive tried to fit myself into a mold that i can never fill. i wanted to fit in and either held my tongue or sabotaged myself and ended up ostracized. I'm not that person. i am not refined, i am not a good influence, I'm not earth friendly, I'm not a perfect mom. i don't think I'm even a great mom; i think I'm OK and the fact that i try my hardest means more. Ive been trying to be someone I'm not just so i could fit in with different groups of women. why does loneliness do this to someone? i never meant to change. honestly i never saw it happening. as Ive started cutting more and more pieces of me away its left a lot of spots empty. no wonder my body is freaked out, it doesn't know how to survive without those pieces. I'm broken, I'm strung out, I'm tired and i don't recognize who i have become. i have a right to be angry and emotional. i have a right to be depressed or unhappy. i don't have to be a perfect wife and mother. i don't think i can ever fill the expectations i have been holding for myself. i try so hard to be honest...even when it hurts. why couldn't i have just been honest with myself. the mirror has been lying to me, that's not my reflection; its the ghost of my old self fading in the background. I'm ready to move on and enjoy life again instead of willing the hours away. i want to cherish every moment instead of wearing myself thin. I'm done with this shell Ive created for myself. from now on, ill be me again.

the me i want to be again ↓

i found myself

my saving grace

sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to find. music has always been my passion, i should have known that cutting music out of my life (unintentionally) would leave a part of my heart and soul missing. i will not forget again.

btw- this song was always one of my favorites. finally after not hearing it in over a year it brought my soul crashing back to my body. tears sprang in my eyes, a cleansing rain. click the eye for the song.

pictures :)

will add more later. i need to see if i can wrangle him for a photo shoot. i have no ideas anymore tho.