Control Freak

When I was growing up I always heard about how women with children are always uptight about the first and lax about the next however many. I always told myself I wasn’t going to be one of those moms, the ones who control every single aspect of their child’s lives. I didn’t want to be the mom that forbade candy until 12 years old or worried over the color of poop. I didn’t want to try to force my child to be the perfect image I made for him/her. I just realized in the last few days that no matter how much I told myself that, I became that mom anyway and I never even saw it coming. In the past 9 months i've controlled EVERYTHING! Maybe that’s why I have anxiety issues; I try to control a child when children cannot be controlled. I worry about every tooth that’s early or late and any developmental issues that aren’t the same as the “average” baby. What is average anyway, and why do first time moms feel like their babies all have to add up to the preconceived notion of “normal”. What is normal? Why do I freak out over every little thing, and how do we as moms learn to let go and let things happen? Do we feel like if our child isn’t “perfect” that other moms will judge us for it as if we had anything to do with it? Why does it matter what other people think or say, why is everything a competition? These are questions i’ve been asking myself but I still haven’t come up with any answers. Maybe there aren’t any answers; maybe this is what it means to be human. I’m trying to learn to let go. If he decides not to finish a meal “oh well”, if he decides that he doesn’t want to sleep and becomes super cranky baby “oh well” if he decides to sit up and fall back and bonk his head “oh well, its not my fault”. Sometimes I think that I can prevent anything and everything that could, would and might hurt him. In reality I know I can’t but knowing something and doing something are two different things. He needs to learn lessons on his own, but I can’t let go long enough to allow it.

Hello my name is Lisa, I am a control freak. I’ve been control free for less than 1 hour.