Saturday, February 1, 2014

lifes baggage

so im never here much. this is a place that i forget exists until i have a use for it. honestly i cant even really remember the last time i was here. ill have to look that up. this anxiety and panic stuff... its really wearing me down. 6 years now ive been dealing with this and struggling to make it. 6 years of hating myself and sometimes wishing that i didnt exist. i get so tired of people thinking im overreacting or that i need to suck it up and move on. it doesnt work that way and really makes it worse to hear those kinds of things. if it were as easy as sucking it up i would have done that YEARS ago. does anyone really think that i CHOOSE to be this way? this isnt life, this is barely existing. this is nights of me up all night crying and some days too. this is days that i cant eat because either im too afraid or i feel so bad. this is chipping away at my marriage and everything about my life. i hate myself, i hate what this is doing to me. this isnt who i am. i remember how life was before this and i never imagined i would be here. the panic disorder isnt even all of it. the depression part gets me too and of course life has baggage. apparently for the last year my husband has been fighting thoughts of cheating. he told me this. i just cant even fathom or comprehend how this happens. dont get me wrong, im glad he told me and our psychiatrists are surprised he did but how do i even process this?? for the first time in almost 9 years i feel like a joke. the life that ive been barely clinging to could just get ripped right out from under me. what would i be left with? i dont have family to rely on and he has already said that i could have the kids and he would willingly pay child support. i just dont get it. all i want is to be wanted. i want to be number 1. my already fragile existence just cant take this. im sure we will be ok but in the meantime this sucks. i dont feel secure and i dont feel important. i feel like a burden that everyone has to carry. i wish i could escape into my art and my hobbies but thats not a good long term solution. josh isnt working so we are relying on unemployment and disability. he is going back to school so no work on the horizon either. we cant afford medical care for me nad apparently his measly unemployment is too much for the state of texas so i cant qualify for anything like medicaid. things in this country are so fucked up. the priorities of doctors and hospitals. the priority of the government. its all so stupid. if they would focus on their people and getting them the help they need there would be less sick people using tax payers money. there would be more people to contribute to society. i wish i could have a job and friends. i would give anything to lead a life that isnt crippled by mental illness. most of all right now i could just use a hug. having a horrible panic attack. i dont even know what to do anymore. all i want to do right now is sleep but im sitting here dealing with nausea from anxiety instead. is this ever going to get better? this time last year i really thought things were getting better and i guess in a way they have. at least im functioning better now but i still havent made progress since 6 years ago. how many more years am i going to struggle emotionally, physically and financially? dont i deserve to be happy? to enjoy life?

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