the me i want to be again ↓
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
some thoughts
before i had Jordan i was much different. i was rude crude and in your face. i cussed like a sailor and told jokes that even a whore wouldn't repeat. when i was angry i would turn on slipknot or system of a down or even fear factory and scream along with them. when i was scared or depressed i would play some old Manson and cry until it was all out. if i was happy then i would listen to soul music until i felt washed clean. i knew how to make fun of myself and how to make others laugh. i enjoyed my friends and had a good time whenever i could. i would take a spontaneous trip 3 hours away just for the hell of it. for some reason Jordan changed all that. looking back, the old me was colorful and vibrant while i have been shades of grey. Ive tried to fit myself into a mold that i can never fill. i wanted to fit in and either held my tongue or sabotaged myself and ended up ostracized. I'm not that person. i am not refined, i am not a good influence, I'm not earth friendly, I'm not a perfect mom. i don't think I'm even a great mom; i think I'm OK and the fact that i try my hardest means more. Ive been trying to be someone I'm not just so i could fit in with different groups of women. why does loneliness do this to someone? i never meant to change. honestly i never saw it happening. as Ive started cutting more and more pieces of me away its left a lot of spots empty. no wonder my body is freaked out, it doesn't know how to survive without those pieces. I'm broken, I'm strung out, I'm tired and i don't recognize who i have become. i have a right to be angry and emotional. i have a right to be depressed or unhappy. i don't have to be a perfect wife and mother. i don't think i can ever fill the expectations i have been holding for myself. i try so hard to be honest...even when it hurts. why couldn't i have just been honest with myself. the mirror has been lying to me, that's not my reflection; its the ghost of my old self fading in the background. I'm ready to move on and enjoy life again instead of willing the hours away. i want to cherish every moment instead of wearing myself thin. I'm done with this shell Ive created for myself. from now on, ill be me again.
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2 comments:
This rings so true for me! I'm sure there's lots of other moms out there who feel the same way you do. There's so much pressure. There's no guilt-free time for myself.
I think it's so true you have to put yourself first, before your hubby and your kids, so you can be the best person for them. I miss going away at the drop of a hat too. What a bummer! I used to be so much fun.
I love the picture of you, you do look so vibrant.
Lisa, I hope you can either find your old self again or learn to love your new and improved self. The first step is realizing that you aren't happy and then DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! When you feel good about you again, everything else will fall into place (motherhood, being a wife, etc). I hope you can find a support group or an activity that you can do (just for you) and that will bring some spark back into your life. Sitting at home and being on the computer wouldn't do it for me. I have got to be outdoors, taking walks, being around other people who I can talk with and laugh with. We have such a short time on this earth. We've got to be out enjoying it! I really hope you can find some joy in your life again. Best wishes!
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